


Hands Tied

by mutantleech



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: But it all works out in the end? Maybe?, I don't have a real title for this oh gosh, Kirk has bad timing, M/M, Pon Farr, Really graphic non-con, This is going to trigger people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-21 05:56:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/896630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutantleech/pseuds/mutantleech
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pon farr hits and a very unaware Kirk is at the wrong place at the wrong time. Non-con ensues.<br/>Cue Spock having a serious case of human!guilt!feels and Kirk trying to fix everything.</p><p>Or, I really wanted to read a fic where Kirk didn't suddenly start enjoying his surprise!ponfarr!rape in the middle of it because he secretly loved Spock, but I couldn't find one.</p><p>But I'm a sap, I'm made of sap, so this ends well. There, I spoiled it for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hands Tied

**Author's Note:**

> So. This. It is a thing. I made this.  
> Wow, it's been 5 years since I last wrote a fanfiction (for Harry Potter?), anyway. This is my first fic in the Star Trek universe (set in reboot), so I apologize very very deeply because I know that I must have mangled sacred canon in someway, somehow. I promise this was unintentional.
> 
> Also, this is very un-beta'ed and probably has errors lying about =/ feel free to give me a heads up on them!
> 
> Sorry if the formatting is wrong. I never posted to AO3 before. Help.
> 
> Now translated into Chinese by Singleye: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11788443

"Mr. Spock?" Kirk asked as he, once again, knocked on the door.

He waited around 10 seconds before sighing.

"This is the Captain, Mr. Spock, please come to the door or I'll be using my override" he threatened tiredly.

No one knew what was going on with the Half-Vulcan, not only had he been displaying emotions – aggressive ones at that – lately, but he had reported to Alpha shift earlier that day only to announce he would be using one of the many, many sick leaves he had acquired the right to over the years.

He had retreated to his quarters refusing to go to sickbay, had locked himself inside and no one had heard from him since. It had been over nine standard hours now.

So Jim, once his shift was over, decided he would check in and find out what was afflicting his first officer.

"Spock, I've been standing here for ten minutes now and you've said nothing, I'm going to think you're dead." He tried one more time "I'm coming in" he said after another minute.

Punching in his code, Jim was glad to see the door sliding open to allow him in, and locking behind him once he entered the room.

It was boiling hot inside.

It was so hot, in fact, that Kirk had to squint his eyes and put a hand over his mouth to try and continue breathing and seeing normally. He had been to Spock's rooms many times before, whether it had been for their usual chess matches or just because they happened to share a bathroom. Either way, while the suite had always been various degrees above ship standard, it had never been this hot before.

"Spock?" he called out tentatively when he didn't see the Vulcan.

But there was a sudden noise to the side of the room and Kirk finally saw his first officer sitting in his meditating position on the floor. His eyes were wide like they had just been snapped open and Jim frowned at him.

"Spock, it's insanely hot in here, even for you. What's going on? You haven't answered anyone, you haven't gone to see Bones. Are you sick?" he asked, stepping closer to the man.

"Captain, do not come any closer." Spock said immediately, his voice urgent.

Just the fact that there was emotion showing through his voice was enough for Jim to be alarmed.

"Why not? Have you picked up something contagious before you beamed up?"

The planet they'd left a week ago had been a little dodgy and the science team had come back full of samples, but no one had seemed to be contaminated with anything, Spock included.

"Captain, I urgently ask you to leave. I have been compromised and your presence is triggering my condition further."

Kirk should have learned by now when to let things go, but then again, he was Kirk.

"Look, I get it that you're sick, alright? That's why I want you to come with me to sickbay. Bones commed me saying you refused to let him look at you and you know how he gets when he-"

The last of Kirk's sentence was cut off because he was suddenly being knocked off his feet by a force, landing on the ground and nearly smacking his head.

He blinked up to see that Spock was on top of him.

He shook off his confusion and opened his mouth to say something, ask something, do anything. But then he noticed Spock's eyes. They were no longer the warm brown that Kirk could now easily read. They looked dark and like those of any beast who had hunted them down during away missions. It was the predator, and Jim seemed to be its prey.

"Spock? What are you doing?" he asked very slowly, like one would with a wild cornered animal.

His first officer's eyes travelled up and down his face, staring, hungry and he didn't answer the question.

When Kirk tried to push the Vulcan off him, he was surprised when he got an animalistic growl in response and was shocked when he felt Spock's hand grab his throat, keeping him in place. With his superior strength, the man could easily break Jim's neck if he wanted to.

Jim coughed despite himself. Trying to breathe was hard enough in the scalding heat and having a hand gripping his throat was not making things easier.

Even as he felt the oxygen leave his body, he tried to remember all the moves Spock had taught him when they sparred at the gym and managed to kick the man very hard on the stomach, causing him to roll away with a hiss.

'Comm, comm, comm, comm!' he thought urgently as he ran for the communicator on the wall. He needed back-up and he needed it now. Whatever Spock was afflicted with, it had clearly poisoned the man's mind, and an out-of-control Vulcan was not something he could deal with on his own.

When his hand was inches away from the communicator, his first officer managed to fling himself on him and grab him by the back of his shirt, pulling him back without any care.

Jim crashed against a chair, knocking it over and almost breaking it with his back, which now ached painfully.

Spock was on him in a blink of an eye and this time the Vulcan did not hesitate before grabbing Jim by the uniform again and tossing him on the bed like a ragged doll.

The bed was close enough to the comm that Jim automatically reached for it, despite the fact that Spock's full weight was now on him.

"Come on, come on!!" he yelled to nothing and everything as he stretched as far as he could.

He realized how bad an idea it had been when he heard another loud snarl coming from the Vulcan and then had his arm pulled back painfully.

Spock flipped him onto his stomach, not having let go of his arm yet and he seemed so angry at Jim's attempt to get away that he bent the arm back with greater strength than he probably should have.

"Spock, let go!! You're gonna break my arm!!" Jim yelled, desperately.

And it wasn't two seconds later when the captain's arm indeed gave way, snapping excruciatingly, making Kirk howl in pain.

"FUCK!" he yelled as the pain started to throb towards the rest of his body.

In that moment, he honestly regretted having come check on his first officer alone.

"This is Captain Kirk! If anyone can hear me, my override is 7246ac2!" He yelled the loudest that he possibly could, his head facing the door. People walked up and down the corridor all the time, and it was just after alpha shift, the hallway would have even more people right now, arriving and leaving their rooms.

He knew that sharing his override code was probably breaking dozens of Starfleet's rules, but if anything was an emergency, it was this.

He got no answer back and next thing he knew, he heard the sound of ripping cloth. As the heat of the room made its way inside his uniform, Jim realized Spock had just ripped his shirt. Both of them.

He was struggled out of the remains of his shirts, his broken arm getting the same rough handling as the rest of him. And then he heard ripping again, before he felt a strap of cloth being very tightly wrapped around both his wrists, keeping his arms trapped behind his back.

Once more he yelled his override code, he called for help, he even tried to bang his head several times against the wall, hoping the thumping noises would carry through to the next room and alert someone that something was off.

He tried all he could to struggle, he tried to take advantage of Spock's distraction to knock him off, but his strength was truly pitiful next to the Vulcan's. He was absolutely no threat to the other man. Least of all now when he only had one functioning arm and it was currently tied to his broken one.

He was flipped onto his back again, hissing in pain as his body's weight landed on his injured arm.

Now, he could stare up into Spock's face once more and it was like looking at a completely different person. The Vulcan's face remained the same, but he was clearly no longer there. Whatever beast was controlling Spock, it was nothing like him at all.

"Spock! Spock, look at me! It's Jim. It's Jim, alright? It's your captain. Snap out of it!" he said, hoping there was still any part of his first officer left to hear his pleas.

There wasn't, apparently.

Kirk wondered what the Vulcan planned to do with him now that he had managed to capture him. What was the plan? Was he just going to kill him? Eat him? What did the madness intend for Spock to do?

And then his first officer took off his own blue shirt and black one in one go.

That's when the meaning of what was going to happen finally dawned on Jim. Actually, it didn't dawn on him so much as it presented itself in his head as a possibility that he dismissed automatically.

It wasn't possible. Right?

When his pants started being wrestled away from him, he went into full on panic mode.

Another attempt at escaping was made, just as it was easily deflected. Spock was straddling him now, easily keeping him in place. He only lifted up enough to rid himself of his own pants and underwear.

'This can't be happening' Kirk thought, panicked eyes staring at the man before him.

He yelled again and again and again, trying to once more contact anyone outside of the room, he yelled until he felt his throat starting to go hoarse. But, again, there was no answer, no one to rescue him.

It couldn't be happening. He was dreaming wasn't he? There was absolutely no universe in which this could possibly happen. He wasn't naked and bound on a bed with an equally naked, and hard, Spock on top of him. That would be insane. It couldn't be happening.

"Spock, don't do this. Don't do it! WAKE UP! WAKE UP GODDAMIT!" he yelled.

Not only did Spock make no mention of hearing him, the Vulcan also went ahead and grabbed each of Jim's legs in one hand, attempting to spread them apart.

Kirk fought with all he had, he kicked and squirmed and lifted his torso off the bed, swung his legs around. And then he finally received a massive smack to the face, given by the back of Spock's hand.

He could feel the blood on his mouth from where his lip had split and stared up in awe at his almost-best-friend. The Vulcan had already broken his arm, so why did a slap to the face seem even harsher than that?

After that, Spock grabbed each of his leg even more forcefully, digging his nails into Jim's thighs. When he finally managed, despite the captains' continuing wriggling, to lift both legs so that Jim's ankles rested on Spock's shoulder, he wasted no time spitting on his hand and spreading saliva along his cock before entering the captain's unwilling body without any sort of warning.

Kirk screamed in pain. Being penetrated by a man for the first time ought to hurt anyway, but doing so without any preparation and just a bit of spit as lube was enough to make Jim feel like he was being split in half.

There was absolutely no time to get used to the fullness and burning inside him. Spock didn't wait a second before roughly pulling out and slamming back all the way in. Then he broke like a dam, fucking into Jim's body like the captain was an inanimate object.

By this point, Jim was so overwhelmed by the pain in his squished arm, by the immense heat, by the inability to see or breathe properly, and by the excruciating pain coming from his abused backside, that he closed his eyes and tried to make everything disappear.

He was going to be fucked to death. There was an irony in there somewhere, but he couldn't be assed to remember what it was.

The movements went on for what seemed like forever, the only sounds in the room were those of skin slapping against skin and Spock's constant groans and moans. Jim had succumbed to silence.

When finally, finally, Jim felt Spock slowing down and a hot stingy liquid being shot up inside him, he could almost hear himself sighing in relief. It was over. It was finally goddamned over.

Except that it wasn't.

Jim couldn't have known then, but this was barely the beginning.

Spock withdrew from him, come and some blood leaking out of Jim as he did. Then the Vulcan studied the blonde for a moment before leaning down towards his shoulder and suddenly biting very hard into his captain's neck.

"Fuck!" Kirk yelled at the sudden attack. The teeth had dug in so deep that Jim reckoned a nerve pinch might have felt more pleasant.

He would swear to anyone later that it did not take even a full minute between Spock coming and getting hard again.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he murmured to himself, unable to believe any being in the galaxy, the universe, could have such a short refractory time. But then they had never gone over this in xenobiology, this could be common for a Vulcan for all he knew.

Spock slid up the bed, his hips now over Jim's chest, and then he received a very hard knee to the spine that made him arch back and growl angrily.

He turned around and grabbed the ankle of the leg that had kicked him and groped it very hard, as though saying 'I broke your arm, I can break your legs too' before letting go.

The silent warning was not lost on Jim, who didn't attempt to kick him a second time.

Spock went back to what he had been doing, namely lining up his cock with his captain's mouth.

Kirk gritted his teeth so hard his head ached. He wasn't going to just open up willingly and let the Vulcan fuck him again if he could help it. And keeping his mouth closed was at least something he was able to do.

That is, until Spock reached down and squeezed his cheeks with inhuman force using his thumb and index finger. The nails dug into Jim's flesh, the digits were lined up where his teeth met and very slowly Spock managed to get his teeth to give and part, Jim's mouth opening against his will.

Kirk had to wait only a handful of seconds before his mouth was invaded by the Vulcan's cock. He almost, almost bit down on it with all his might, but then decided against it. Spock was not in his right mind, he was being controlled by something and this something would eventually wear off or Kirk would be rescued and then they would save Spock, he didn't want to permanently maim his first officer, even if said first officer had no such qualms himself.

 His hair was gripped roughly, his head was arched back and Spock started to thrust into him. The Vulcan's scent invaded Jim completely, his taste, his temperature, it was all overwhelming. And in the very same fashion he had fucked his ass, Spock was not holding back.

The head of the Vulcan's cock started hitting the back of Jim's throat and he squirmed helplessly as he gagged and was choked off even further. Tears ran down his cheeks as he tried very hard to breathe through his nose.

His gag reflex was being assaulted so constantly that he actually felt his dinner starting to climb up his throat, but it had nowhere to go so Jim just swallowed it back down around the cock in his mouth.

There was a warning before he felt a hot spurt of come being shot down his throat, Spock had moaned loudly and had pressed Jim's head so flush against him that Jim's nose bumped against his stomach.

He had no choice but to swallow everything, all the while choking very loudly from having his throat so deeply breached.

When Spock finally pulled away, Kirk drew in the hugest breath he could managed and then started coughing helplessly, tears still running down his reddened face. The air didn't fill him as it would have if it had been in the standard temperature and humidity as the rest of the ship, but even this oven hot air was better than nothing.

He felt exhausted. He was absolutely done and he really needed a break, he needed to get the hell out of there.

Even with his throat feeling raw, he once again tried to yell for help, he said his override code maybe twenty times, but there was no reply.

It was getting really difficult to breathe now, the abuse his body had taken had made the hard task even harder and Kirk wondered if he would pass out. Maybe that'd be a good thing, actually, maybe then he wouldn't have to be awake for this.

Some minutes passed, Kirk wasn't sure how many, but then Spock was ready to go again and the Vulcan simply grabbed his legs, lifted them and shoved back inside him not bothering with the slicking this time since Jim was still filled with his come.

The cycle repeated itself again, five times, ten. Sometimes Spock would flip him this or that way, taking him on the floor once when he fell over only to drag him back to the bed and wait a couple of minutes before fucking him again.

Kirk had lost the ability to tell time. It surely had been hours now, though. There was blood on the sheets, he felt like his insides had been torn apart, he was throbbing and pulsing and aching in a way he never thought he would feel. His mouth was so dry from the lack of humidity that his lips started to become chapped, and when Spock would fuck his mouth, he'd tear them open over and over and over again.

His throat was aching, both from Spock and the air. At one point the lack of a break and the lack of water started getting to him in such a way that it became unbearable. He had been at this for hours, with nothing to eat and nothing to drink and being exposed to a temperature you could use to cook food and he was going insane.

"Spock. Spock." He called, his voice very soft from his lack of strength "Spock. I need water. You need to get me water, do you understand? Water, Spock" he pleaded with the monster on top of him, maybe the monster would understand his toy would break if he didn't take care of it.

He hadn't attempted to speak for a really long time now, already having given up on anyone hearing them. There was probably sound isolation in the cabins, he should ask Scotty about that later. Scotty would know.

Because it had been so long, Spock actually stopped to look at him for a moment, the thrusting of his hips never ceasing, though. But all Jim got was that look, no other response was given and Spock didn't move after he was done to get Jim anything.

Kirk closed his eyes.

He was dead. There was no way out of this. He couldn't move, he couldn't think, he couldn't call for help, he was completely defeated.

In his delirious fever, he chuckled softly. 'Here's your Kobayashi Maru, Spock. Who would have thought you'd be the one teaching it to me'. Even in his delusion, he could appreciate the irony. Maybe this was Spock's payback for hacking his simulation all those years ago.

A day had passed, Spock was now taking a bit longer in between each time he would fuck Jim. Sometimes there was a ten minute break, sometimes it was one hour, but he didn't sleep at any moment, and he didn't let Jim sleep either.

How could Jim sleep when there was someone thrusting a cock inside of him, when he would be jolted awake just as he started to choke to death?

The next day there was pounding on the door, Jim heard it very faintly, like it was a noise so far away he could have imagined it. He even opened his mouth slowly and tried to form words, tried to tell them whoever they were, that they had to rescue him. He didn't remember what his override code was anymore, and even if he had, no sound left his mouth.

Halfway into the second day, Jim finally passed out. He was manhandled into opening his eyes again a couple of times, but then his body was unmoving and he was gone. No matter how hard Spock fucked him, fucked his throat, Jim wouldn't respond anymore.

The Vulcan became angry at this, he lashed out, slapped Jim hard like he had been doing when Jim fell asleep, he tugged at his hair, he threw Jim around, but his captain kept his eyes closed and showed no sign of consciousness.

Spock wasn't pleased at having an unmoving mate, but it didn't stop him from carrying on.

The second day turned into the third. Spock now took his time between each section, but he hadn't slept at all, he hadn't eaten anything or drunken anything, all he did was fuck into the man that lay on his bed sprawled like a lifeless thing. It didn't matter, in the end, if Jim was awake for it or not, fucking his motionless form was just as effective in quenching Spock's fever as fucking his awaken form had been.

When the third day came to an end, the Vulcan finally felt tired. He dropped his head on the pillow and pressed his nose to Kirk's hair, committing the man's scent to his memory. Embracing him close, Spock sighed and let himself be taken by unconsciousness.

\--

When he came to, he felt pleasantly sated and rested. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a satisfactory rest.

He sat up in his bed, stretching his muscles softly and then he frowned.

He did not know what time it was, and he never lost track of time. He knew immediately that something was off. Then he noticed how hot the room was, hotter than Vulcan standard.

The next strange thing to happen was to realize there was a body next to him in bed. It was the body of his captain. The extremely battered body of his captain.

Jim Kirk was naked and lying on his back, Spock couldn't see his hands and he estimated they were hidden under Jim's body. The human's lips were severely chapped and were also split in various places. He looked red, like humans do when they have been exposed to the sun for too long.

There was dry blood over the captain's body, a lot of it concentrated on the man's thighs, but some was scattered over his torso. His torso was in fact covered in bruises, as were his legs. There were also some bite marks here and there, a particular deep one on the man's neck.

Spock also noted, with a feeling of what could only be dread, that there were various traces of semen mixed in with the blood, and in the captain's hair.

Then, Spock looked down at himself. He appeared unhurt, although also naked and also covered with dried blood in some parts of his body.

Pon Farr.

It all came back in a rush, memories of the fever, of the desperation, of the loss of his control. The request he had made for Kirk to allow him shore leave on New Vulcan, even though T'Pring was gone and Spock's chance for survival were slim.

He had calculated things incorrectly. They were only half way to new Vulcan before the fever hit full force. Spock had spent hours meditating, trying to center himself and wait for the time to come when he would either find a new mate in his new planet or die trying. But it was too late.

And then Jim-

Spock closed his eyes, trying to push his human feelings into the darkest corners of his mind. He could let guilt, and horror and pain and panic all consume him later, he'd have all the time for that once he was locked in the brig. Now, he had to assess the situation and save his captain if it was still possible to do so.

The first thing he did was turn the temperature down to ship standard, then he found himself a pair of pants and a black shirt that had been discarded on the floor. There was no time to wash the blood off of himself, no time to pick up a clean uniform or to make himself presentable.

He ran to the comm and called the sickbay as fast as he could do it.

"About goddamned time! What the hell have you two been doing in there for the past three days?! Couldn't you have stopped for a second to answer your goddamned comm?!" Dr. McCoy's voice shouted at him before he could get a word in.

"Dr. McCoy, I have a medical emergency, if you would please report to my quarters just as fast as you can get here" he said, ignoring everything the man had yelled.

"Medical emergen- what happened? Is it Jim?" the doctor asked, and Spock could hear the worry on his voice.

"Doctor, please report here as quickly as you can. To spend time explaining the situation would only aggravate the need for your presence. Spock out"

The Doctor was requesting entrance to his quarters 1.23 minutes later and Spock, who had been waiting by the door, opened it in less than 0.27 seconds.

"You gonna tell me what's going on or-" And then McCoy stopped talking once he saw Jim's naked form on Spock's bed. "What the-? No, don't answer that, I don't wanna know" he said, raising his hand dismissively.

Spock could only assume the doctor was acting in his usual manner because he had not yet seen the state in which Kirk currently found himself. One could only see the signs of the aggression up close.

When McCoy finally reached the captain, he sucked in a rapid breath.

Spock hadn't touched Jim since he'd woken up, and aside from the man's hands which he had freed from their bond, Jim looked just as Spock had found him, bruised bloodied and broken.

"What- what happened- Jim? Jim?" Bones called out as he knelt before the bed and started running scans like a mad man. He had thankfully brought a small med-kit with him.

The captain's hands had a bluish tint to them and his broken arm had bruised severely over the last days, causing it to look almost entirely purple. It was quite a sight to look at, but Bones didn't shy away from it.

He commed Nurse Chapel and asked her to bring one of the gurneys as he continued to look Jim over. When he lifted the covers from Jim's bottom half, he stilled.

And then he looked back at Spock, and it was clear to the Vulcan that the doctor had finally understood what had happened, well, at least partially

And Spock thought that if the man wasn't so focused on Jim's health at the moment, he might have tried to strangle him.

\--

It was now 12.76 hours later, currently 2204 hours in the ship's standard time and finally an exhausted looking Dr. McCoy sat down across from Spock where the Vulcan had been waiting patiently on one of the sickbay's chairs.

"Internal bleeding, three cracked ribs, a broken arm that I had to spend hours in surgery trying to put back together, severe dehydration, heat stroke, bruises all over his body and a close call with losing both his hands due to cut in circulation." The man rattled off without so much as a nod in greeting. "You have two seconds to start talking, you pointy eared bastard or I swear I'll-"

"Threats are unnecessary, doctor." Spock said automatically. "I am the source of the captain's injuries and I will be turning myself in to Acting Captain Lieutenant Sulu" he confessed, simply.

"I'm going to need a little more than that! Aside from that one time you actually did try to kill Jim, you've both been practically glued at the hip after the whole Khan incident. Now how is it that I had to fix him inside and out after he came out of being locked in a room with you for three days?!"

At Spock's silence, Bones grew more irritated.

"Dammit, Spock! Tell me what the fuck happened! Was this some kind of kinky sex gone terribly wrong? Were you both on drugs?!"

"The captain and I did not have sex. Sex implies consent from both parties and that is not what occurred. Also, we were not under the influence of any illegal, or even legal, substance"

"Do you have any idea what you're saying? What you're admitting?!" Bones asked, still unable to believe that Spock would suddenly wake up one day and decide to lock Jim in a room and keep him as an unwilling sex toy.

"Yes. I have sexually assaulted the captain, and it is apparent that this assault had the duration of three standard days"

"That wasn't sexual assault! Sexual assault was three hundred broken bones ago. This was torture and attempted murder!" He yelled back, the Vulcan's calm tone driving him insane.

"I will bring these charges up when I speak with Lt. Sulu"

Bones groaned at that and breathed in heavily, convincing himself that it wasn’t worth it to kill Spock. At least not before he got the whole story out of him.

"Look. I know bullshit when I see it, and you can make that poker face at me all you want, but I know that no matter how emotionless you are, you care about Jim. You wouldn’t hurt Jim like that. So what happened?"

"I have already told you what has happened. And now that I have received the news that the captain will make a full recovery, I'll be heading to the bridge to speak with the Acting Captain about my change in status"

"I never said he'll be making a full recovery!" Bones yelled at the Vulcan's retreating back, angrily.

Spock hadn't needed him to say anything. He could tell just by the man's posture and words that Jim would be fine. Dr. McCoy would never be acting in his usual manner if there was a chance their Captain might not make it.

\--

Spock was currently sitting on his cot inside the brig after having had a very long and confusing talk with Sulu, which ended with Spock pretty much having to arrest himself. He did not resign his commission because he required his commander status to be tried at the court martial he had personally requested.

Meals came and went and he barely touched them, time passed and he just sat on his bed looking at the white walls completely entranced into his own thoughts.

He finally had time to think, to process what had happened, what he had done. It drove him crazy how many emotions threatened to get a hold of him at the same time and it bothered him a lot that he didn't even know where to begin trying to get a hold of them.

He had raped his captain.

For hours. For days. He had almost killed Jim.

All of his Vulcan restraint, all the training on how to forego the path of emotions to live the path of logic, and all it had taken was a simple biological matter to shatter his entire being and turn him into a mindless monster.

How could his body have betrayed him so? How could his race have betrayed him so?

In one moment, in the single moment it had taken for his captain's proximity to become too much, for him to lose control, Spock had lost everything. He had lost the one he had decided he could call 'friend'. He had lost his captain. He had lost his post. He had lost his ship. He had lost his sanity.

But worst of all, he had hurt Jim.

He tried to center himself and meditate.

He barely managed to.

\--

It was 1033 hours, day 5 of his imprisonment. He was meditating.

There was a knock on the force field which reverberated throughout the room, making him open his eyes slowly. He knew it wasn't food, because that only came at 0800, 1200 and 1800 every day. He knew it wasn't Dr. McCoy or Lt. Sulu or even Lt. Uhura, they had long given up on getting something out of him.

It was Kirk.

Spock had to concentrate really hard not to let any emotion show, and he was almost 98.1% sure that he was being successful.

His captain stood there looking much like his old self. His uniform covered pretty much anything that could have still looked out of place, and even his face looked healed with only a very light bruise in his cheekbone still apparent. And perhaps there was the reminiscence of a split lip, but Spock couldn't be sure from afar.

The only obvious sign that something was out of the ordinary was the blonde's right arm which was currently heavily bandaged up till past the elbow and resting on a sling.

There was a long single minute in which they were both quiet, looking at each other in the eyes as if daring the other to look away.

Jim eventually was the one to break the contact as he went over to the keypad on the wall outside the cell and typed in a long code.

The force field disappeared for a moment to allow the captain inside and once in, Jim sat down in the single chair available in the room.

Spock pretended not to see the slight flinch Kirk made when he sat.

"They tell me you haven't said anything to anyone after you pretty much arrested yourself." Jim said in lieu of any greeting.

"There was nothing left to be said that I hadn't already done so prior to my arrest. Also, I did not arrest myself, Lt. Sulu, who had been Acting-"

"Spock, don't give me this shit. I didn't come here to hear you dodge questions. Are you seriously not going to talk to me? If anything, you owe me this much" Kirk's blue eyes were clouded with a mix of determination and anger.

"I have no wish to speak of it" Spock said, finally.

"Well I had no wish to be fucked against my will for three days till I passed out, but isn't life a bitch?" his captain countered, still filled with anger.

Spock drew in a long breath, even closed his eyes for a bit before he spoke.

"Dr. McCoy, Lt. Sulu, Lt. Uhura and you, Captain, are all expecting me to explain how all of this was not my own fault, because you cannot seem to accept the truth. That is why you continue to insist my explanations thus far to be insufficient" He said. "The doctor had me tested for alien contamination, mind-altering substances and various other possible scenarios that would have caused me to act in the way I did, but he can tell you that everything came back negative. There is nothing I can tell you that you do not already know"

Jim nodded in a disbelieving manner. "Right. So if that's the truth, then why did you do it?" he asked, but it didn't sound like he was interested in the answer, it just sounded like he was proving a point.

Spock said nothing.

After a while Kirk shook his head, a resigned noise escaping his throat.

"What I'm wondering is why you are voluntarily withholding information from me, but I think I already know." Jim started his eyes not looking away from the Vulcan's "Just like you arrested yourself for all the charges you possibly could, you're not telling the whole truth because you want to punish yourself and no punishment is enough when you feel guilty, is it?"

Again, the Vulcan kept quiet and maybe it was because Vulcans were almost incapable of lying.

"I already know what happened, Spock." Jim said matter-of-factly.

His first officer's eyes squinted just a fraction, a subtle change one wouldn't notice if they didn't know Spock like Kirk did. But to the captain it was obvious that Spock looked taken aback.

"You spoke with my counterpart" The Vulcan stated instead of asking.

"It's a good thing that when one Spock won't talk, I have a second one I can go to" Jim shrugged "He told me all about your mating cycle and pon farr and plak tow and whatever else. Now, tell me, why did I hear this from him and not you?"

It was Spock's turn to look resigned "We do not speak of it. It is a time where everything that makes us Vulcan is stripped from us; control, logic, reason, all replaced by animalistic and primitive instincts." He went back to looking at Jim "I am confused as to how you believe I am unnecessarily punishing myself when you are already in possession of proof that I am responsible for what happened"

"I am in possession of proof that you had no control over your actions, and your only option to make it out of pon farr alive was to mate with someone you already had an empathic bond with" Kirk said without missing a beat.

"Whether I had control over myself or not when I attacked you is irrelevant." Spock countered easily.

He went on "Regardless of the reasons why I kept the information of pon farr from you and the rest of the crew, it was my own conscious choice to do so. I made the wrong calculations, if I had requested the route to be changed to New Vulcan at the first signs of my illness, we would have made it there in time. It was a judgment call, an incorrect judgment call. I could have stopped the possibility of an attack from ever occurring and I did not, thus the incident is still my own fault"

After a while of silence, Spock spoke again and this time his emotions bled through his voice.

"If I could rectify the past, I would do anything, but I cannot. And I refuse to pretend I carry no blame when the blame is entirely my own. I- I would never want to see you hurt, least of all by my own hands." His voice was quiet, and he looked at anywhere but at Jim.

"I know" Kirk said, and he seemed to share the sadness that Spock was irradiating.

"But I did harm you, Jim. I harmed you and it cannot be reversed. Turning myself in is an attempt at justice, but no action of mine will undo the pain I have caused you". Spock was so affected by his emotions that he almost, almost shed a tear when he finished speaking.

He felt his captain's hand touch his knee very softly, urging him to look up and meet his eyes. "It might have been your body, but it wasn't you. You didn't do it, Spock. An error in calculation is an honest mistake and you are allowed to make mistakes. I don't want you to live the rest of your life, and we both know you're gonna be around for a while, with this guilt over something that you didn't do"

Spock looked like he was going to counter that, but Jim didn't let him speak.

"I may be wrong, but I don't think I am. Your mate, T'Pring, she died when Vulcan was destroyed, Ambassador Spock told me so. During pon farr you can only mate with someone with whom you share a connection, a bond, which means that if we had gotten you to New Vulcan in time, we would have done so only to see you die. If you had made the correct calculation and we had made it, you wouldn't be here." He paused carefully "There was only one way you could have come out of this alive, Spock. And, well, I can't say it was a very pleasant experience, but I would rather go through that again than have to watch you die."

The Vulcan was taken aback both by the correct assumption, it had already occurred to Spock that the possibilities of him surviving pon farr had been slim, and the statement at the end.

"The burden of my biology is mine alone to face. I would never have agreed to you sacrificing yourself to me" he said with conviction.

Kirk was quiet for quite some time as he stared off into the distance as though caught in a memory.

"Our counterparts, they were bondmates. Did you know that?" he asked after a while, completely dropping the last topic of conversation.

Spock had no idea what to say to that as he hadn't known at all.

"I saw it when I melded with the other you." Jim explained. "I asked him about it when I talked to him yesterday. I asked him how the other me managed to survive the pon farrs that they went through together."

Spock was staring at his captain intently now, something inside of him ached at hearing what the other was saying.

"He said that when you're bonded, the loss of control is not that drastic. The link allows your bondmate to communicate to the very core of you, even when you are beyond understanding spoken words." He shrugged "I mean, look at your parents, right? Your mother was human" he said as if that explained everything, and it almost did.

There was a long silence again.

"Look, Spock, I'm not going to curl up in a ball and wallow in self-pity about what happened. What is done is done. Maybe I'm not one hundred percent now, but I'm gonna be ok. I'm alive and you're alive and that's what matters." He sighed heavily "I have no idea how an empathic bond forms, but we have one. One thing I do know, and it's that you won't be finding a bondmate back in New Vulcan when you don't know any of those people."

Without any warning, Jim got up slowly "You have seven years until this happens again. If you need me when the time comes, I'm gonna be here. Even if we have to do it without being bondmates again, I'm still gonna do it. You're not dying on my watch."

He started to walk towards the force field now, ready to exit the brig.

"And sorry to rain on your self-flagellation parade, but there's not going to be a court martial. All your charges have been dropped and as far as Starfleet and reports are concerned, the last week never happened." He typed in his long code into the keypad of the brig's inner wall "I expect you on the bridge for alpha shift tomorrow, Commander. And that's an order"

The force field didn't re-materialize when Kirk left.

\--

\--

Spock woke up and it didn't take him five seconds to sit up violently, his heart pounding against his side as fear and anxiety took control of him.

His eyes went immediately to the man lying next to him, drinking in the naked form hungrily, fearfully.

The whole month leading up to his second pon farr had been plagued with nightmares and memories of waking up to find Jim's battered body next to his. The fear that the scene would repeat itself drove Spock to near madness.

His lover, the man who had become his bondmate over four years ago had tried to reassure him over and over again, with the help of Spock's own counterpart, that things this time would go differently, that everything was going to be ok. But he wouldn't believe it until it was all over.

And finally, the moment had come.

Jim was curled up on his side, having previously been spooning his lover before said lover had abruptly broken the embrace by sitting up in a rush. His slightly tanned skin was intact, well aside from a handful of well-placed love marks here and there.

There was no blood on the sheets or anywhere on the captain's body. The man wasn't bound and there were no marks bruising his wrists.

On the nightstand there were several empty bottles of water, along with the discarded wrappings of various different foods. There was also some fruit left and- was that a bottle of lube?

"It's too early, Spock, come back to bed" a very sleepy Jim murmured, never mind that Spock had never actually left the bed.

The Vulcan reasoned, afterwards, that he could have saved this conversation for when his bondmate was actually awake and coherent, but before he could help it, the words were leaving his mouth "Are you unhurt?" he asked.

Maybe it was just the question, maybe it was the overwhelming sense of worryreliefanxietywonder that invaded Kirk's mind through their bond, but the captain lifted his head up a couple of seconds later and rubbed his eyes slowly as if trying to chase the sleep out of them.

The blonde looked at Spock with a soft, warm smile and then he placed a tiny chaste kiss to the other's lips.

"I told you it was going to be fine" he linked their hands together and playfully ran his fingers over Spock's in a lazy Vulcan kiss. "When am I ever wrong?" he grinned.

But his first officer was still apprehensive.

"Did I-"

"Spock." Jim interrupted before his lover could say anything. "Everything was perfectly fine. We ate, we slept, we even took a shower, which by the way was really good." He smiled "You listened to me. Even if you didn't answer, you listened to me." He reassured seriously, staring into the Vulcan's eyes.

"The way I see it is I get to have a marathon of kinky sex every seven years. Too bad you can't remember it, we might want to work on that." He kissed Spock again. "I'm fine" he said for what seemed like the hundredth time. "Feel free to look around and check" he joked.

But Spock just seemed to be interested in internalizing that everything was ok, that the world hadn't ended and that history had not repeated itself.

He brought Jim's fingers to his lips and kissed them, pouring into the gesture all the love he had learned he needn't be ashamed to feel. "Thank you" he said.

Jim ran his fingers softly through Spock's hair, still smiling lazily "I love you too".

Then the captain stretched exaggeratedly and snuggled closer to his first officer, forcing the Vulcan to lie back down properly.

"I didn't request a week of leave for no reason. I intend to stay in this bed and sleep until our shift next week, so you better get comfortable, Commander."

Spock couldn't help but feel warm inside as he hugged his bondmate possessively to himself.

He was fine. They were going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was fun.  
> Ahm, yeah, just a couple of notes really... first is that I in no way shape or form intend this fic to come across as rape-apologetic, and I hope that it didn't seem that way.  
> Second is... Kirk might seem too 'ok' with what happened for some people's liking, but I just honestly can't see him acting all shattered and broken outwardly. This isn't to say that he was unaffected by the whole thing, but I kind of think he's not the type of person to let people see when he's hurt/vulnerable.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed (??) this!


End file.
